Apathy

That’s me, that’s me…

I have unfortunately gotten to the point in my university career where I don’t really care anymore. I have 15 months left until I get my degree… at that point in time, I’ll have 2 degrees, but I will have spent 6 years getting them. And at this point in time, I really don’t care.

I want to be living my life, but I honestly don’t know when that will happen… I have no summer this year, not only because I have to work (which, believe me, I MUST do, money is getting VERY tight), but because I’m also going to be taking a full course load. No, this is not so I finish “early”, it’s so I finish “on time”.

I’m just feeling buried by school and responsibility… I’m getting all this responsibility, but I still feel like I have no choices. I have never gone away for a vacation for March/Spring break without my parents there. I’m almost 24. I’ve never gone away for a trip with a bunch of friends… I’ve gone to the cottage with one friend, but I’ve never even had a group of 3 or 4 friends up to my family’s cottage… and even then, my aunt was there for some of the time.

This is ABSURD. This is STUPID.

Why have I never done any of these things? I’d love to say that it’s because it wasn’t possible to organize, that my friends are all to busy, that we can’t get our schedules to line up… but that’s really not true. I don’t really know what IS true, but it’s not that we’re all too busy.

I know my own personal excuse right now is my lack of money, and it’s not a bad excuse when you’re thinking about going to a resort for a week.

But I want to do it: go on a vacation that’s not family but friends. The problem is that as optimistic as that is, I really don’t see how it can happen in the near future… I don’t think I have more than a week off straight for the next 15 months. I think I’m going to go insane with the pressure… just thinking about it makes me hurt.

I keep up a brave face a lot, but so often I just want to give up, quit school… not think about it. But if I do let myself crack for even a second… I think I’ll just curl up in a ball and cry for days.

But right now, I don’t think I care…

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